CREATING HAPPINESS AMIDST TURMOIL
JUST DO THESE DOABLES
THE SITUATION
An email for a wisdom seeker who is starting out and trying to do so amidst turmoil and a situation that is difficult. You will get the idea of some of the difficulties as you read my comments back to her.
THE "ANSWER"
Yes, you certainly are having a very human experience, disappointing at the least and very, very upsetting, understandably so.
Even an objective observer would see alot of manure in this situation. It's certainly a complicated pile of twisted thinking by humans plus some normal, vulnerable thinking.
I'll attempt to make some suggestions and perhaps provide some perspective, but admittedly it is quite a job to actually 'see' with perspective, when the fear bells are ringing loud and the primitive brain is frantically looking for solutions, but bumbling along. And, of course, the primitive brain will never provide the solution to anything more complex than anything with two or more variables in it.
Only our higher brain can do such. So you've got to step up and engage the higher brain, taking over and putting on hold the primitive brain and emotional turmoil.
Each day, now more than ever, you must set aside no less than a 1/2 hour (I know you're busy) but preferably an hour for "higher thinking". Perhaps you might like to take on a perspective, a view point, a "viewing point", that is different and enlightened - just borrowing it for the moment. In the Christian religion, one might say "what would Jesus think (or do)?". Or how would the Dalai Lama think about this? Or Socrates. Or someone you immensely admire. Or even your "higher self" (which is actually already built in and given another name: "the higher brain"). It is useful to write for awhile from that viewing point about any problem, perhaps asking the entity for insights and solutions. (Of course, this is just a way of creating better solutions, as there is no actual entity in existence. As part of your understanding of life, you should consider reading fairly soon among the articles The Believing Brain.)
One of the problems here that will get little agreement from others is that the objective truth is that we are incredibly privileged and well off. What we are experiencing, in your case and in lots of people's lives, a "mental drama" that is strictly in our heads - what the Buddha calls a "mental construct". The "threat" or "danger" does not actually exist in the real world (which is strictly physical).
We, somewhere in our lives, make up a "story" world, where we think we are going to experience some equivalent version of death or partial death if we are abandoned or if someone doesn't love us, or we will be "helpless" in some way. We even make up that "loving ourselves" is of almost no value and that the love of another is necessary.
And then we go about seeking to do all we can to "control" others so that they will give us what we want. And in this process we experience frustration, pain, and defeat, because the truth is that we cannot control others, at least not very well. We use a strategy which is not workable, not under our control. That is a bad strategy, one that is unlikely to work.
Generally, each spiritual discipline recognizes that we are beings with limited awareness about how things work in life and how to make them work. We have limited knowledge, limited self control, limited "willpower" - we simply have not evolved far enough to be very perfect.
BUT we have evolved to be able to be pretty great IF it happens that we are enculturated into good "ethical" behaviors and/or there is knowledge or the influence of another person who is powerfully wise. Without that intervention, at the lowest, man will be his primitive self (those people who are terrorists are simply of very limited awareness, wrongly influenced) and, particularly males, will behave in socially inappropriate ways.
It is awareness that is the determinant of how well and effectively we behave, not some magical evil power - just lack of awareness is what creates the problems - and the solution is to solve that lack of awareness.
However, we humans are driven, often, only to get sufficient awareness to be functional enough to survive in some way.
Some people survive by the clever strategies behind dependency, learning to be skilled manipulators, but in a harmful way - e.g. your mother in law.
Some people survive by "being good" so that others will approve of them or love them - so they seek to get that in some way that appears to "work for them", but actually creates more harm in their lives - but they hold onto the behaviors since sometimes the behaviors do work (and are thusly intermittently reinforced), while not seeing the damage done by them in the overall picture.
Some people are not taught how to love another - they aren't "bad", they just don't know how! Think about how you unconsciously learned the steps or actions that lead to your knowing how to give love and get love - many people have not figured all of those out - and they are not taught well in schools or even in religious institutions.
Your hubby is likely stuck in a naive version of "being good" and also of "not knowing how to love".
Whenever I meet any other human, I know that human is seeking the same thing I am seeking (happiness, freedom from pain, pleasure, relief from anxiety, etc.). They are 99% the same as me. Their brain, their miraculous body functions, many of their beliefs and defenses, etc. (See Compassion and the related links.)
However, the difference lies into what is 'poured' into them, as if they are this pretty perfect cup that is filled with pretty imperfect, often dirty, and even emotionally toxic fluids. What comes into their cup is not controlled or determined by the cup, but it is determined by other people, especially the parents and the community. Again, they do not control that, as most of it is simply the "luck of the draw". Their path can not be any better than the path those outside entities/forces determined for them. (See Your Path Is Your Only Path Attainable Under The Circumstances - And There Is No Fault In You - and all others are subject to the same reality.)
Right now, you are on the seeker path but with lots of barriers that slow the path or push you off of it. But the other significant people influencing your life are on their own path, one that has resulted in a great degree of naivete (not knowing better) as they simple remain stuck on that path, with blinders on the sides of their eyes, like horses in a race. They are not to blame, as they are simply the products of their inputs, of their past. (If you cease blaming them, you will be freed from many harmful beliefs and bad emotions.) They will not change if there is no intervention that they let in.
You can only control your own pace of growth and, of course, you can do the greatest intervention of all in aggressively teaching practical life wisdom to your children and/or making sure they are exposed to the more powerful wisdom people and to the examples of people who live wisely and powerfully (life powerfully, not "force" power).
Ok, so, I hope, I've established that the other characters in your play are simply doing their best to survive in the way they know how but are lacking in awareness, knowledge, "know how". They are stuck. You either have to accept that reality or, after considering all the tradeoffs, you may have to remove yourself from their lives.
Meanwhile, until you are able to alter who you will be around or at least limit exposure to them, your job is to exert your control over yourself so that you are creating the happiness that is your purpose as a human being.
And that always starts with learning to see that there are few real dangers and that one can intelligently examine and alter one's beliefs such that 95-99% of all fears are eliminated. Essentially, this part of the overall improvement of life is the "lessening of the negatives" side.
The other side is the "seeing of the positives", the incredible blessings that exist in the real world (while accepting the human drama around oneself and noticing that nothing is actually happening in the real world).
The "secret" to happiness is said or hinted at all over the place. Everyone seems to know "about" it. It is simply seeing and appreciating what we have - and knowing that it is far more than enough to be happy. If a Caveman from 10,000 years ago suddenly came back to life, he would marvel at how great things are, how safe we are, the blessings, the miracles - yet we often do not even see/notice many of them - or they fade into the murky background of being taken for granted (not special). (See Life From The Perspective Of A Caveman.)
Although you can seek greater understanding of what I am talking about by clicking on the links above, I would recommend that you construct your clear view of "the positives of life". In what I call The Reminders Notebook, there are several sections that are set up such that you can gather together and/or construct what to be grateful for, what is good about you, what you can do to actually build a life that is guaranteed to work. I've listed, below, a few of the sections that you'd want to fill in first.
Although it spans over several of the categories, I recommend that you set up and do your Positives Portfolio. (If you don't actively do this, your primitive mind will not do it, for its job is to look for the negatives and to assure that we survive - that's what it evolved to do, so don't hope for more - instead, use your higher brain to create more and more and more.)
The notebook is called the "reminders" notebook because it is built to "remind" one of what is useful and/or good when one inevitably fails to remember (which is often, since a human can only pay attention to or remember a limited number of factors at any one time).
Do as an old American song suggests "Eliminate the negative, accentuate the positive, and don't be mister inbetween".
Yes, that appears to be trite, not immediately doable, and a bit of wishful thinking, but in actuality it is doable. Just do the doable pieces that I point to in the dangers/threats materials and in the happiness/positives materials and you will succeed along the path.
Follow these steps:
First, as quickly and imperfectly as you can, fill the "positives" tabbed sections by doing these:
Using already provided examples of what to put in the notebook (see Example Notebook), fill up the key tabs with something to start from and/or modify for yourself.
Start with these, in this order: (You can actually review the table of contents and select your own order, too. Enter the title of a section or piece into the search engine.)
My Daily Reading, for you to read every day.
Gratitude - The summary or key items should be read every day
My Key Affirmations - Key ones daily
My Ground Of Being
My Power Life Statement
The Positives Portfolio - Do ALL of the pieces, as this will be a major part of your life and confidence foundation. The pieces will be spread out among several of the tabs.
Start reading these parts every day within two days, if possible!: (even if you have to read the ones I've provided; just mark them up as you go to begin to formulate one that fits you better).
My Daily Reading
Gratitude - The key statements
The safety pieces in "my base in life" and the perspective for the day pieces linked to
Second, though for some people we have to fix dominate fears or problems first, study and conquer at least 80% of your fears and correct all of your major false beliefs. Follow the Fear Program, adjusting it as you wish, into the Beliefs Processing section.
Yes, this takes time, but with each part you will gain something of great value each time, and ultimately it will be priceless!!!!
Keep me up to date on your progress.
And I wish you the best of life happiness!
Keith
