"FALLING SHORT" IS PURE METAPHYSICAL FICTION
THAT YOU ARE MAKING YOURSELF UNHAPPY ABOUT!
1/15/16 To be further edited and organized more, but it is fully utilizable in its present form for one to get into gear and change one's life in regard to this!
MAKING THE CEILING (HIGHEST) INTO THE FLOOR (THE MINIMUM)
Talking to a person who is "always falling short" or "not good enough" or its various versions, using other words:
Believing that you are falling short is not a reality.
Your reality is that you are fortunate beyond beyond.
You need to get a true bearing on where you are versus your actual floor and ceiling.
God and/or evolution gave us enough ability to rise to a certain level, a ceiling of sorts.
He (or It) didn't give us the ability, while mortal, to rise to the level of a god or a mythical hero. We do not and cannot be expected to go beyond what is realistic for a human. We must learn reality and then gauge ourselves relative to reality, not fantasy.
(Read, and link to all the suggested pieces until you arrive at full understanding AND acceptance, The Limitations Of Human Beings, And How To Manage Around Them For A Great Life.)
Somehow people got the idea that the ceiling was the floor, below which we must not go. There is a floor below which you don't want to go "basic emotional wellness and perhaps a little extra happiness" and there is a ceiling where we never reach it but can get close that of enlightenment and capability that is at the high effectiveness level in producing happiness for yourself and as a by product producing more happiness for others.
THE THEORY OF RELATIVITY
Happy person Unhappy Person
Ceiling (becomes →) Fictional floor
Unhappiness gap ↕
x x
Happiness ↕
Floor
x = where a person is actually at.
If a person has a realistic view of what is the lowest acceptable way of living and being, he will be happy about everything that is above that floor. He will be see realistically where he is ("x") and say "well, that is all an extra bonus above what is 'enough', so I appreciate that extra and I am happy!"
On the other hand, if a person is so enculterated (is taught) and/or somehow concludes that the "ceiling" of what is possible for himself to arrive at is actually the floor below which he "should not be", then he is miserable alot of the time because he is "short" of what is "enough" all of the time (except for perhaps a few peak times. More simply put, the minimum standard, one's "floor", is the highest that a person could possibly be at, then he will almost always fall short.
Implicitly, you already "kinda" know that this is true, because you've marveled at how happy some poor people are and seen how miserable some very well off people are. In fact the happiest countries are those with relatively low expectations - and an appreciation of anything above that!
In a sensed, many in developed countries are "spoiled", just like a child, expecting everything, perhaps feeling entitled, with sick viewpoints based on "affluenza"... These people are not bad people, as they are victims of the culture or their caregivers giving out wrong information not based on reality.
I would suggest that if you find yourself falling far short of where you "should be", you are "spoiled" or "in unrealistic hero land" and not operating in reality. You should then follow the "repair" suggestions, below, after a little more discussion to clarify this further.
WITHOUT REALITY, RELATIVITY CAN BE A TRAP!
Of course, the latter person is not sufficiently grounded as to what reality is so he continually is misjudging where he is (because he does not have a realistic view) and is continually judging where it is reasonable to be.
He is caught in the trap that he has set for himself. He has created what is called
The Unhappiness Gap, which is a result of a similar way of thinking.
He/she is operating in life, basically, being out of touch with reality. To correct that, a person MUST read a section that people often skip over: The Reality Reading Sequence - Seeing It And The Huge Difference It Can Make In Your Life!
In order to check out whether one's beliefs and viewpoints are correct, one must always compare them to reality. If a belief does not align with reality, it is wrong and one should discard it and replace it with one that works! The test of whether one has correct beliefs lies always in the evidence: an undesired emotion and/or other undesired result. A belief is essentially a version of "if I do this, then I will get this result" - and if a person doesn't get that result, then, duh, the belief is not correct.
Those who get caught up in believing that the ceiling (or higher) is the floor are continually getting emotional feedback that is telling them with flashing neon lights that the belief is wrong. Any belief that keeps on getting a bad emotional result MUST be incorrect, false, unsound, etc. and etc.!
A person, before proceeding further in life, MUST establish realistically what the floor is (what is "enough") and what is realistic for man (and him/herself) to achieve at the highest - and then accept the reality that we always will be short of the "ideal" - i.e. give up the childish fantasy that one can "have it all" or be heroic or famous or perfect or without flaw (completely wonderful, completely selfless, completely wise).
It is useful, indeed, to measure how far along we are relative to a goal of where we want to be. Doing so allows us to progress in life such that we are more and more capable of getting more and more that makes us happier and happier as we go. But the actual viewpoint that is the one that determines our happiness is not based on being short of the destination but in having more than "enough". In that viewpoint, we see that we are always basically ok and we appreciate that we are, indeed, in bonus territory, getting and increasing our life such that we are getting more and more bonuses that are nice to have even though we already have enough.
Those who want always to have more and/or to have the ideal are always falling short and unhappy about it. They are living in a fantasy world that is not at all realistic.
Those who see that they have "enough" and indeed are far above that, in a condition of having a miracle life, a miracle body, a miracle brain, a miracle world, lots of "good stuff" in life, a privilege of experiencing life itself...they are "the happy people". Remarkably enough a person who is not as far along the progression scale in life can be far happier than another person who is much further along the progression scale in life because the first person is see life on a realistic basis, seeing and appreciating having "enough" and being blessed with much more, living in "bonusland".
I was struck by the lady in Africa with two children who was ecstatic about how wonderful it is that she was blessed with the gift of a goat and six chicks. I could only contrast that with the common Western view of how terrible it is that we don't have what others have, or are not "as good" as others (usually compared to the mythically great people we see in life or on TV).
It is the reality of one's viewpoint that determines happiness. And when one realizes how well off one is relative to what is "enough" (the floor), surely any person in a developed country will absolutely be happy!
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SETTING THE FLOOR, RELATIVELY
A person in a poor country sets a "floor" of the minimum that is ok far below the floor of a person in a well off country. If we make up an arbitrary way of measuring the levels in life, we might, for example, see that a person sets the floor (minimum standard) as:
3 for a poor person
8 for a well off person
If both of them are at a 5 level of living life, the poor person is happy, while the well off person is very unhappy.
Happiness is, indeed, relative to our floor, which we might call our minimum expectation out of life.
HOW FAR WE CAN ACTUALLY GO VERSUS EXPECT OF OURSELVES
If a person is taught (or learns or concludes as a child) that he must be perfect in order to be happy, then a person sets up an unrealistic standard that he can never reach.
Even if a person could possibly reach perfection, any person would always be short of perfection while he is on the way to perfection. And "being short of" what is expected is always experienced in the primitive mind as a "loss" and a threat (of being less than what is perceived to be needed to live a good life). The "loss" idea seems preposterous as we cannot lose something we never had - but we have unrealistically set it up in our minds that we MUST have the ideal (or any unreachable level) and that anything short of that is a "loss" (or a having less than we "should" or "must" have). To not be caught in this trap, one should read and understand fully Loss.
Some people actually set a "ceiling" that is limitless and then use that as the expectation that is the minimum floor for judging life or themselves on. That is, of course, the ultimate formula for ongoing unhappiness and never reaching happiness. They must read all the material on this site that is relevant to this, and correct their viewpoint.
Some suggested pieces for reading are in the sidebar. (You should consider following links from these pieces if needed to gain sufficient clarity.)
THE TRUTH OF WHAT WE'VE BEEN "GIVEN" - ISN'T IT MORE THAN ENOUGH?
We have not been given the capability to rise above a limited level, at least not in the limited time of a human life. There is no super-hero in existence. We will, to some extent, always be vulnerable still - but that won't really matter. What will matter is that we are capable enough to attain the greatest insights such that we are able to create better circumstances for ourselves and a more realistic, true viewpoint from which to appreciate life.
Not all people will know about or choose to do what is necessary to thrive, so for some the highest level they will arrive at will be far lower than what they are capable of.
A REALISTIC FLOOR OR NOT
In what I call Case 1, where a person learns what the floor is and is clear on it and what the ceiling is, man feels good about his level and gives it a certain number of "feel good" happiness points.
A person in Africa who has set a floor of "enough", consisting of enough food, some shelter, little pain, a family, and a social culture, will have less material things and less attainment and/or admiration but still be as happy, because he has "enough".
On the other hand a person who is far "better off" may have an unrealistic measure of what should be in life. Many get caught up in achievement and/or its corollary of seeking to be admired or approved of. A person who, unhumbly, seeks admiration is of trying to impress others as someone who is superior - and he is thinking that that matters - his perspective and his view of reality are "off".)
AN UNCLEAR CEILING OR "STANDARD"
People who don't sufficiently learn and clarify what is needed to have a good life, live in a vague fog of life where they cannot see clearly and think there is some danger out there, often because they feel short of an undefined, unclear 'something' or some state of being…and, thus, they are always in doubt.
With definition and clarity one is no longer in doubt. Doubt, lack of clarity, lack of definiteness, lack of definition all lead to a great opening for fear - but faux fear based on a fiction strictly existing and made up in the mind.
Ironically, many well off people living in plenty and having far more than enough will create an unhappiness merely because they think they are missing something.
But there is no truth to that in the sense that "missing" is just a concept and in reality there is no threat to "missing" something.
Recall that the function of the simple brain is to give us jolts to have us stay "in the zone" of being able to function well enough to avoid life threatening circumstances and/or respond quickly and powerfully to them.
Loss of prestige, shame, etc., are not real nor are they life threatening in today's world.
Perhaps, 10,000 years ago, if we were seen as not being able to contribute sufficiently to the tribe's welfare and being a drag on the lives of the people in the tribe, you might be kicked out into the dangerous world only to starve or be killed. Right now, if someone thinks less of us for whatever reason, there is no actual danger to life or limb. However, based on the old system, we falsely create a fictional danger, not thinking it through to clarity of "there is no danger to my life or limb or my being able to live a good life - none! I am just fine and therefore I ignore these false thoughts if they come up. But I declare, now and forever, that those thoughts are completely false and meaningless!" (It is interesting to see that we are often relatively oblivious of what is actually happening and that we fail to heed the feedback that the evidence is that our beliefs are not correct in that area. Many of the so-called spiritual disciplines suggest that we should Notice That Nothing Actually Happened! And that we have, if we think about it, just created a non-thinking belief that has no validity and/or is exaggerated beyond any semblance of reality.)
FALLING SHORT BASED ON A FALSE MAP OF REALITY
Now, let's go to what I call here Case 2, where a number of people "come from", based on the false thinking paradigm (map of reality).
They think they need "more" and they suffer for it (the Buddha identifies it as the source of suffering. (Read, at some point, The Sources Of Suffering - and then avoid them!!!)
These people have some vague "finishing line" to be achieved in the rat race of life and they are always "short" of it and beating themselves up about it.
That "finishing line" is, of course, fictional, since one could never find it in reality.
In reality, we can only find "real" things like lack of food, lack of shelter, the threat of being killed or maimed. So a realistic finishing line or at least a significant marker is in reality only the real threat of physical harm. In a sense, when we are safe from that, we have reached the finishing line of reality (Level 2 in the levels) - and then we can engage in our next endeavor, which we'll call "attaining basic happiness", where there is some pain, which is mostly emotional and not physically threatening, but a lot of peace and good feelings - and then we're content.
However, there are people who are at the same level in observable physical (and/or "achievement") reality, but are far less happy because they make up things that cause emotional pain over something that has no value in reality! In other words, our happiness is not dependent solely on how well off we are in reality, but is dependent on, or strongly influenced by, what we make up in our minds. So, then, logically, we should learn that which is the best way of thinking about life and oneself!!!!
The reality is that a small amount of actual physical pain and some disappointments occur naturally. Beyond that, we determine what level of additional pain to add into the mix, to subtract points from our lives.
Indeed, the Buddha is right! "Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional."
Some pain will naturally occur, but it will be minor. But we add emotional pain to it and create needless, useless suffering. Since "suffering", once someone has enough food and warmth, is strictly something we create in our minds - it does not exist in reality (I defy you to find it and show it to me).
Buddhism: "The first dart is direct physical or emotional pain, like when you put your hand on a hot stove, or your loved ones are threatened. You will sometimes inevitably feel those, as part of being alive.
While we experience a few "darts" that feel painful in actual life, far more darts are darts we create in our minds and then shoot into ourselves. In discussing pain and the darts we feel from reality, it is said "But then there are the much more numerous second darts – suffering that you impose on yourself." From: The First And Second Darts Of Suffering, outside article)
The point is that life will be just fine, with a little natural pain but good overall IF we don't take away from it - if we don't subtract the negative points from things we imagine that have no basis in reality (as far as being a real threat/danger). Read, on the site, see Getting Rid Of Suffering - Second Darts.
This not theoretical "positive attitude" nice platitudes. This is reality. The other way of thinking, where we add second darts, is simply fictional, made up by us, but with no real meaning in actual reality!!!!!
"Get" this and at least half of your foundation for good psychology will be solved. The other half to get is the reality of "No Fault". We create the idea of "fault" in ourselves and then we proceed to use it in a way that creates emotional pain AND the emotional pain of fearing emotional pain - i.e. it creates fear and danger and pushes out happiness possibilities.
If an emotion is not useful for protecting against a real danger/threat, then wouldn't you be better off without it? All negative ("motivating") emotions should be noted and then cut off at the pass, by curing the cause, which is always a false belief, often left over from earlier in life but never examined and questioned, just left in place to suffer from!!!!
The irony in Case 2 is that, though we seek to be at the highest of all levels and to get the happiness points at that level, we actually subtract points simply by believing that we are "short" of the (unrealistic, artificial) floor - we stick ourselves with second darts, which then keep us at a lower level than thriving, for sure - so it guarantees us being at a lower level of happiness than what our true realistic ceiling might be otherwise!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
Basically, if we have learned about how things work in our minds and lives, we must realize that the purpose of emotions is to have us "do better", to "motivate us" toward correcting a threat or hindrance to living life well. And, of course, to instigate an emotion we must "believe" (at some level) that there is something to correct in order get to the result we desire. If the result, though, is that we get an undesired result, we have wasted the emotion and created pain where it served no purpose.
The wise person will notice that result and will ALWAYS correct the belief as soon as possible, for it would be foolish to let a harmful, incorrect belief to continue to harass ourselves.
My viewpoint is that I am never short and have no reason to be unhappy.
But I am not run by "fear" or "negative emotions" as motivations. I am run, instead by desires, consistent with this viewpoint:
"I like things to run more weller even though life is already great! So, I'll do more of what causes that!
I don't need to inflict suffering as a way of getting things to work better so that I'll be more happy..."
Notice the paradox implied in the last sentence. We "inflict suffering" in the belief that it is the way to drive us toward more happiness - but we often fail to notice that "inflicting suffering" causes us to go the opposite way as it makes us less happy and/or unhappy.
If I want to add more happiness points but I subtract from my happiness by adding unnecessary suffering, then I will be dancing a two steps forward, one step back tango or possibly a one step forward and two steps back...
Well, anyway, from here I suggest you go "all the way" to achieve full understanding and full implementation of what works here. At least follow the links and read the sequence laid out in the sidebar. AT LEAST!
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Don't read this, as it needs to be refined to be clearer or better. I am keeping it around to possibly use the idea, refined and clarified, later.
DELETED, BUT POSSIBLY TO BE REFINED AND USED
Happiness points based on the floor, on which we "need" no more:
Levels Description "Points given"
Case 1 Case 2Level 0. Nonexistence = 0
0Level 1. Human experience, lowest = +5 -1000
+5 -1000Level 2. Human existence, plus safety and basic needs = +50 -500
Level 3. Having "Enough" = +100 -400
+100 -400Level 4. Having some extras = +150 -300
+150 -300Level 5. Having lots of extras in life = +200 -200
+200 -200Level 6. Thriving = +500 -100
+500 -100 Level 7. Enlightened, truly wise and truly effective = +1000 0
+1000 0Case 1, reality based
Floor: Level 3
Likely ceiling: Level 6
Case 2, imaginary
"Floor": Level 6 or 7
"Ceiling": None (in the mind, but guaranteed, after subtractions and few
additions to be far below Level 3, since, by definition, it involves living
below "enough")
If you think you are falling short, you should read the piece on the bottom called "What About Mistakes?"
The minimum reading sequence
The Reality Reading Sequence - Read at least the first "Reality" section pieces.
Perfection - The Sure-Fire Path To Hell - Talking about an unreachable "floor"!!!
The pieces below.
When have we "arrived"?
Basically, we have already "arrived" but do not yet "see" it:
What is "enough"? - This question MUST be answered for one to be happy, for it establishes a floor, a place to have arrived at, where all else is a true bonus. Go deep on this, until you've truly "got it", understand it, and have worked out the details. Do not stop short! Go down the rabbithole on this one!
How to never "arrive"
The Effects Of (Unrealistic) Expectations In Life And In Relationships - A Major Creator Of Unhappiness - Needlessly! - This is major, major, major - of vital importance to understand and to master!
What about mistakes!
We even think that if we make a mistake that we are "falling short" of the capability of perfection and that therefore we are in danger of some fearsome thing happening. 10,000 years ago, lack of capability sufficient to support the tribe positively might actually cause you a big problem, such as being kicked out into the jungle to starve or be killed.
Now, a mistake means nothing, other than perhaps a brief distraction and interruption. And if we do the learning necessary to not make the error that was due to insufficient knowledge, then we will not be making that mistake again.
