A NAG, A LECTURER, A KNOWLEDGE SHOWOFF AND...
HOW TO HANDLE ANY OF THEM AND/OR HOW TO STOP BEING ONE!
AVOIDING THE SEEDS OF DESTRUCTION
A person is either intolerable or too damaging to be around or they are simply people trying to do their best to communicate - and perhaps doing the "wrong" thing. And it is always because they don't "know better", as is shown by the fact that they do it.
Of course, a certain amount of imperfection happens with all of us humans. But if it goes too far for you, then, if you value the person, you must use some strategies that work to relieve you of (and them) the stress or emotional toxicity.
The reason for writing this is not only to solve the annoyance but also to get rid of the seeds of destruction that could end the relationship - needlessly!
People all try to communicate in order to get a message across, or to try to control what is going on so that they will be better off, or sometimes just to be heard and maybe make an impression or experience some validation of how good they are.
They are just human, and probably just have not yet learned what they need to learn to function better in life. (Hopefully you are not that way, and that you have reached mastery and enlightenment so that you are also compassionate to those who don't know better. And perhaps you are perfect enough to ascend to the heavens directly and immediately, but can have some sympathy for the other human beings.)
THE "I GOT IT" AND "HERE'S WHAT I GOT" STRATEGY
I was sitting in a growth seminar where they would introduce a subject a little and I would think that "well, I understand that." But then we went through some thinking exercises and some people shared their understanding of it - and as I began to see some "distinctions" (finer detail and nuances) I was able to create a higher level of understanding. Before that, I could have said "I got it!" and stopped the process of creating greater and more full understanding. It seems we "assume" we've "got it", when we don't, and/or we don't want to spend the necessary time to gain a real understanding of what was said.
And if they didn't believe me that I "got it", I could've become offended and made up some meanings that were simply stories. But I knew it was not "about me". They could've just guessed that I didn't understand it or that I might not or probably didn't understand it, even though I thought (believed) I did. It's not about me, because they don't really know me or have a stake in me, they just want to achieve getting across a point that will benefit me.
Many people say "I got it" or "yep" (nodding their understanding). But if you asked them to say what their understanding was they prove that they truly did not "get it."
So, both sides of the communication need to "complete" the conversation by tying down what was understood and continuing until it is agreed that that was the message sent! Having done that they can now proceed through life with that particular thing wrapped up completely, not dangling on the edge of wondering.
This is particularly important if it will affect the relationship (or organization) or the emotional well-being of either.
The simple "I got it" strategy is not sufficient, though it could be true. The person sending the message has to know it was received in its entirety and that it is perfectly clear. This is called Active Listening, which everyone should do!
WHY THIS WORKS
All a nag or a lecturer needs is to know that the other person understands it so that he/she need not repeat it.
If he/she repeats it more than once or twice, you probably haven't been clear about what your understanding is, so that they cannot know that you got it - that leaves the communication unfinished. The nagging and lecturing are just attempts at trying to complete the communication.
Note that it does no good to try to attempt to control the other by getting irritated or just being reactive - so, you can replace that with compassion about them just being human - and the fact that they simply do not know better, that they simply do not know a better way to do it. Be compassionate and you won't further exacerbate the problem or make it more emotional. After all, what we want to do is to simply get the facts down, clear things up, and not cause emotional upset.
We all know about the nag, but we fail to connect the often-lecturer with that - both are just trying to get something across in order to get a better result. When we attribute other motives to them we go onto a slippery slope, often sowing the seeds that lead to destroying the relationship.
Both the nag and the lecturer are accused of wanting to cause harm. For instance, a person could say "you just want to irritate me", "you just want to be superior to me", "you're just trying to fix me", "you're just trying to put me down" - all are stories believed by the person putting himself into the "victim" role. But the nag or lecturer are just trying to correct a behavior that affects them (at least most of the time - because "being superior" is not much of an emotional driver, but fixing a relationship is, for sure). (Everybody should know that "it is not personal" and also know Who I Really Am so that one does not have to "defend" what is not actually part of the person but only an acquired belief or behavior.)
Basically, before accusing someone of bad motives or thinking badly of you and instead of labeling them with a derogatory designation, ask if there is something you can do to let them know that you understand and heed what they have to say (you can, of course, disagree, but that is fine, as all they needed was to have you "complete" your hearing of the message. "Get it"?).
"I think I haven't let you know that I am listening and that I think I've understood it, but might not have. In any event, I do want to make sure you know what my understanding is and discuss it until you and I both understand what is being said. Thanks for being willing to finish this up. And I want you to know I am willing to do my best to have things work the way you'd probably like them to."
THE KNOWLEDGE SHOWOFF...OR JUST "THINKING OUTLOUD"
It doesn't matter what the motive is. Some people just have false beliefs about what is appropriate or helpful in a conversation and what isn't.
If they need to show off, they simply are using a way to try to get credit for being smart - probably from the uncertainty of whether one is smart or "good enough".
In one case, where people might get irritated at the person for theorizing and showing off his knowledge (but not knowing how to implement it in his life), the person was merely reviewing what he knew to either try to help a person or he was "reviewing" his knowledge as a way of thinking through something.
In the first case, the talker needs to know that his (control) attempt to help the other is unlikely to work - and might just be an irritatant or at the least a "taker of time" away from what is relevant to the person who hears it. The talker will tend to help and not realize that what he is doing is very ineffective and not a deep enough intervention to make a difference. A polite "I appreciate your trying to help me but it isn't something I want you to do right now. Please just listen to me and if I need help, I'll ask for it."
(Almost all of us fall into the trap of trying to give advice, some just a lot less than others.)
In the case of the "outloud thinker", we will find that he is very seldom effective in terms of actually getting results in his life. No problem can be solved by bits of data flying around in the mind and being spewed out to a listener who is likely not interested and whose time is rudely being taken by the outloud thinking. It is not only not helpful, it can be irritating or at best just irrelevant and uninteresting. The outloud thinker would best learn that anything with even slight complexity is best solved through "writing it down".
IN ANY EVENT...
It is important, whichever side of conversation you are on, that you take responsibility for your part and find out what is best done.
But first, asap, do the "here is what I got" approach to completing the open loop (unsolved, incomplete process or problem)).
Write down what communications are incomplete and need to be finished, whichever side you are on. Then take the list and finish off the communications. It'll do wonders for relieving stress and anxiety in relationships. Clear it up, finish it off, be thankful to the other person for being willing to do that (and hug them if it is appropriate to the kind of relationship).
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SO, HERE IS A DIFFICULT EXAMPLE
He studies alot about philosophies and he spouts off about how the world would be better off if people understood this or that. She might misunderstand and interpret this about being about her. It is just him being too much of an outloud thinker in that case, just saying what he thinks... or he could also have another agenda which he is trying to complete, but not doing it appropriately or at least ineffectively, meaning to no effect - and it is just irritating her. He needs to do his own thinking on his own time - and not speak it when it has no net benefits and could even be negative.
But this philosophizing adds to her irritation over his talks about how it is best to use facts and reasoning and fairness and to no be prejudiced and jumping to conclusions. He is, inartfully, responding to her speaking out prejudiced statements or hateful statements about politicians on the other side, about people of the other party (generalizing about them, using the extreme as if it were the norm), about religion, about Israel, injustices to the black people, unfairness of the cops, inequality, women's right, etc. and etc. He thinks he can change her course of complaining without considering all facts and views, but fails to see that he is adding nothing to the conversation other than irritation. He shares her basic values but does not agree with the way to meet them. He tries to be practical and hopes to influence her to a less extreme view of other people and/or to use at least the facts instead of accusations and hateful statements. He finds the highly negative statements to be depressing, in a sense, to hear all those frequent outbursts about the other side or the issues above.
She hates his lecturing. He is inartfully trying to have the conversation be logical or factual or leading toward a solution.
She thinks he is calling her stupid and/or thinking that she must be stupid, though neither has evidence and are only projections or inferences. He is only addressing the issues to try to get the tone level away from being so negative and emotionally toxic. She thinks he is talking down to her.
And there they are in their stories, reactions...yet no solution is on the horizon. She is thinking he shouldn't do that and that he is looking down at her...and he is afraid she is angry at him, as she does appear to be enraged at times if he keeps talking to try to get a point across. They are on a slippery slope to nowhere, with the seeds of destruction sown.
So, how do they stop this, and become true friends again?
Through talking, but with an expression of understanding and some discussion of what behaviors cause negative emotions in the other. Through actually feeding back what the other is saying, using the Active Listening way of completing the conversation and coming to an understanding of the best way to solve the deteriorating situation.
Start with "can we talk to resolve some things? Is this a good time? It will probably take as much as a half an hour, though it is hard to estimate?"
Obviously the "I understand what you are saying and this is what I got and agree with" conversation must be used to complete each issue. While he may tend to overtalk to get his point across, it would appear that she need only let him know what she understands, so that he doesn't need to try to find another tack to approach it at or to stop repeating himself in order to know that he is heard, instead of rebuked. She can shorten the exhausting conversation by letting him know that the communication is already complete, not by her proclamation that she understands but by her feeding back to him what is sufficient to indicate that she does understand - and she needs to resist wanting to blame him for being so difficult and going on and on - and she must understand that it is not appropriate to blame him for seeking more certainty and asking that the feedback be repeated until the details are understood, even if she wants to stop short with "the gist" of the conversation without the detail - she could acknowledge him for wanting to make things better - as he also should well do in that conversation.
He has a request to make (that she stop talking so negatively to the TV or about comments she hears from "out there"). And he has to be careful not to make it into a demand, as it must be her choice whether to accept the request. Put in the site search engine: Making Requests And "Happy" Negotiating.
So,
1. Communicate to resolve, to completion (don't stop short! Don't get mad at the other for not yet "seeing" that you understand when you think you did, but might not have. He is not intending to be mean about, and wants only resolution and completion. ).
2. Use active listening and "here's what I got" until it is complete (no matter the number of repeats, be patient and stick it out).
Take a " time out" any time one party feels too much emotion, but you must agree when you will come back to. Be serious about the completion. Neither party quits before it is truly signed off as complete.
3. Use "Requests" not demands for behavioral changes.
4. Don't use labels, names, blaming, etc. (to the best of your ability).
5. Recognize it is not about one person winning, but about both people winning in a win-win viewpoint.
6. Be kind, each of you is trying your best...
We are human beings, just trying to do our best, be safe, get what we want out of life - and we want each other to be well off, we mean well but have our limits, be patient with each other...
